Two bored Authors And Vampire Academy on Crack
by CheshireTears
Summary: Yeah, sorry, I suck at summaries, but it's basically a crack-fic me and my friend Sarah came up with while we were sitting in Social Studies. Hyperness doesn't make it any better. UPDATE: I just changed the rating! I have no idea why it was M...
1. Hot Topic

**Don't yell if it's really random and you hate it, it's just something me and my crazy friend Sarah came up with while we were in Social Studies, bored out of our minds (yeah, we probably should've been paying attention, but I was reeeeeally hyper, and Sarah…. Well we'll just say that she was barely passing last quarter), so it's a really weird, half-assed crack-fic. But if you review for more, we may just find some more time to be hyper during Social Studies. The rest of the class is anyway….**

**Don't own anything! All belongs to the beautiful and talented Richelle Mead! Oops, besides my awesome possume best friend(s?), Easter bunny, Se7en, Shakespeare, Dr. Who and anyone else I may have forgotten. Still don't own though. Sarah only wishes she owned Dimitri, but he's mine. *cell rings* what do you mean you own him? *sigh* can I at least have Christian then? *holds phone away from ear as screams are heard* Well, apparently I don't own Christian or Dimitri. *sigh***

Rose and Lissa were walking out of a mall carrying tons of bags when Lissa said "I love Hot Topic" **(a/n any grammatical errors are paragraphs Sarah wrote, such as this one)**

"OMDEEEEEEEEEE, SO DO IIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!" Rose screamed. **(a/n and I wrote the hyper ones!!!! Lol)**

Then the Easter bunny came and kicked a dwarf named Alfonzo, and Vlad got hit by Dimitri driving a bus. **(Yay! Way to go Dimitri! I'm gonna shut up now….)**

The out of nowhere a fat drunk leperchan came and said "ow bout a kiss girlys" sounding more like an Australian freak than an Irish one **(sorry Ireland and Australia! No offense intended!)** The Lissa and Rose started screaming "ewwww that gnome talked to us the then saw a unicorn who came and poked the leperchan in the but with its horn

Then Mason came back and kissed Rose then Dimitri bitch-slapped him **(hyper, remember, I love Mason!)** and so Megan kissed Mason. **(Hope you read that and loved it!)** Then Se7en killed Mason again and kissed Megan. Then Pellman got mad and Megan killed Alicia. **(I hope you're happy, I had to die!)**

Then Kirova's nutz fell off **(ha-ha, that's from someone else's fanfic, sorry I can't remember who you are, otherwise I'd mention you)** and Rose decapitated the evil blonde Strigoi bastard. Then Adrian got drunk (again) and puked all over Queen Tatiana.

Out of nowhere, Shakespeare and Dr. Who came and the Doctor pointed his screwdriver at Dimitri, who ran away screaming like a little girl.

Then….. we ended our craziness an got to work.

**I just figured out the one thing I own! Alfonzo is totally from my imagination. Sarah only wishes she owned him, but he's mine, so BACK OFF!**

**There's one more chapter, but it's not nearly as funny. The button calls you to press it! Review….. Should we do more?**

**~Alice in black**


	2. Lord Only Knows

**Here's chapter 2 of our crazy story. Hope u like it!**

**By the way, Sarah and I switched every other paragraph. I wrote the first paragraph and so on. That's how it will be for the rest of the story.**

**Richelle Mead still won't let me have Christian, so I don't own anything.**

Bella and Alice were walking out of the mall in Port Angeles when

A speeding car came and the fat ugly driver moons them.

It happened to be a retard friend of Adrian Ivashkov.

"OMDeeeeeee! I'm gonna kill you Adrian!" Rose yelled.

Alice and Bella turned and fell anime style "wha… where did you come from?" Bella stuttered Rose said "uh… my moms belly."

Alice then ran into Target and laughed at Mia Rinaldi. **(I love Target! Reference to VA, book 1)**

Then Jack Skellington threw a pumpkin at Rose and Bella who were still arguing.

"TOASTER!" Alice yelled randomly, then a Strigoi snuck up behind her and killed her. **(a/n: sowy, we got bored and ran out of ideas)**

Bella seeing that her best friend was killed she ran at the Strigoi and using her newly found Ninja samuri powers beat the Strigoi butt.

Then Dimitri, with his badass skills, staked the Strigoi, while Edward fussed over Bella, and Alicia kissed Jasper, after coming back to life.^_^

Then out of nowhere an extremely hot girl on she did a copul of triks and then Jasper ran from Alicia to her she said "I Sarah rock" Then her and Jasper on her Rem skateboard skated off as Alicia started sreamig "come back with my man

Then she did some Matrix-style moves and gave Sarah and Jasper amnesia. Then Jasper and Alicia got married and lived happily ever after!

**I wish! Well, sorry it sucked, we weren't very hyper that class, so we ran out of ideas. Don't forget to review, and feel free to leave comments and ideas! The little green button is calling to you….**


	3. Best friends or murderers?

Yay! Two chapters in one day! As always, WE DON'T OWN, SO DON'T SUE US! RICHELLE MEAD OWNS, AND STILL WON'T GIVE ME CHRISTIAN!

At St. Vlad's, Rose and Dimitri were sparring in the gym when a band of flying monkeys burst in and started playing instruments very horribly and throwing confetti and silly string everywhere.

Then a guy came out of nowhere and helped Megan kill Alicia again.

Then Pellman broke up with Megan and kissed Farrell.

Then Sarah came back and kissed Jasper.

Then Alicia came back to life with the help of Macarena and her awesome magic acting skills and Alicia bitch-slapped Sarah's ass all the way to a galaxy far far away where Darth Vader killed her with his light saber.

Then Ryuk and Rem came and Ryuk asked for an apple,

But Farrell got scared of the Shinigami so she ran away screaming and Pellman went back to Megan.

Then Alicia ended the chapter and moved to Tokyo overnight (with Jasper of course!) before Megan, Pellman and Farrell could kill her in her sleep.

**Yeah, sorry guys, DON'T KILL ME MEGAN! Shit, she's coming over tomorrow for a sleepover too!**


	4. Mwahaha, How Vlad Died

Haha, aren't you so proud? Three chapters in one day! Haha, this one was written completely without Sarah's help, but Megan helped, so kudos to her! It's completely making fun of this one guys all our friends hate, Vlad. You'll know who I'm talking about if you know him: NEVER TALK TO VLADIMIR PRUS! He will screw with you, your friends, and your feelings!

**Still trying to get the rights on Christian, but Richelle Mead's not yielding…. *Sigh***

One day, Vlad was walking down the street, thinking of more ways to make more girls lives hell, when all of the sudden Megan jumped out and screamed "PANSY!" before walking calmly in the other direction while Vlad screamed like a little girl.

Then he realized there was no spider, it was only Megan, which scared him even more, so he wet his pansy pants.

"Then he ran to his mommy crying "I'm not a pansy, I'm just a gay retard!"

Then we all laughed at him, and Dimitri swore in Russian, saying Vlad was a disgrace to Russians. **(If you're Russian, you'd probably be offended if you knew him. He disgraces Americans too)**

Then a toaster came and smacked Vlad across the face, calling him a gay pansy.

Then Vlad got thrown in an asylum for thinking toasters could talk, and being a gay donkey's behind.

Then Megan went gangster and started talking funny.

Then Vlad died because Megan got thrown in the asylum too and her awesome possume best friends (including Alicia who had forgiven her and Victoria whom Vlad had dumped) drove a wrecking ball into the wall and Victoria looked at him when they were busting Megan out, which the wrecking ball ran into him and Victoria's look could kill while he tried to spoon his way out.

Well, then we ran out of ways to torture Vlad…. Hey, if you have any ideas, REVIEW, or you can pm me. The green button calls….

Oh, and one more thing, if anyone wants to be in the story, just leave a message, and we'll find a place to put you in the craziness!


	5. Poll PLEASE VOTE!

Not a chapter. Sorry. Just wanted to say, there's a new poll on my page, so visit it and vote! If nobody votes, we'll be discouraged and won't write more. Oh, and I'm not sure if I already said this, but if you want to be added, leave a review or pm me, and we'll add you in.

Oh, and please don't forget to REVIEW! I'm very easily discouraged, and this is my first fanfic, so please, I don't even care about flames (though Christian says he can take care of those) just leave a review so I know people are reading! Otherwise I might just delete the story, which would be a damned shame. So REVIEW!

**~Alice en noir**


	6. Starring Amie!

**Thanks to everyone for your awesome reviews, they were much appreciated. Here's the next random chapter that I'm not doing my Health work to post for you. Hope you love it! And don't forget to vote on my poll. For everyone who reviewed, I tried to respond, so, yup. Onward!**

**This chapter guest stars Amie (sorry, I can't remember your username) who reviewed and asked to be in the story. Thanks Amie!**

**Sarah helped again with this one, we just wrote this last period during lunch, which is why I'm risking my Health grade for this.**

**Disclaimer: Richelle Mead's being stingy: I still can't have Christian….**

Christian and Lissa were hanging out in the chapel attic when all of the sudden a strange girl came barging up and karate-chopped the door down.

"Who stole my cat?"

"Umm, I don't know, who are you?" Lissa said.

"I'm Amie! I'm new here, I think you're in my magic class." The girl said, pointing at Christian.

"What the Hell are you doing here?"

"I saw you and followed."

Then Christian and Lissa ran screaming "STALKER!!!"

Then Vlad came back from pansy Hell and went right back screaming when he saw Megan and Vicky standing with chainsaws. He didn't know they were only toys to scare Alicia though.

Then Megan, Pellman and Farrell caught up to Alicia in Tokyo and put her in a room filled with pink and made her watch Spongebob over and over again.

The Sarah came back and took Alicia's porche and droped it of a clif the ran away with both Jasper and all her credit cards

COME THE FUCK BACK!

Okay, then Alicia ended the chapter and went to go hunt Sarah's ass down.

**Haha, hope you liked it, cuz my Porsche (can you tell who my favorite Twilight character/ what my nickname is?) had to suffer, and so did my Jazzy!!!**

**Don't forget to review!**

**~Alice en noir**


	7. Random Chats

Okay, so sooooooo sorry I haven't updated! We've been kinda distracted, cuz we're rushing through everything in Social Studies, so we haven't had much time to write new craziness. But, however, we did find time to be totally random yesterday. Just for you people!

**Oh, and thanks to the people who reviewed the last chapters, love you! I think I replied to everyone, but if I didn't, try not to be offended, I tried!**

**Oh, and just so everyone gets it, the first part is Sarah and I just having a totally random and almost completely unrelated conversation, so just so you're not just wondering "what the heck?!"**

**We decided to do this chappie like a chat, so I THINK (I tend to do that occasionally, contrary to popular belief) you can figure out who's who.**

**Disclaimer: *pout* still no Christian…. Don't own Death Note either, unfortunately… or Still Doll by Kanon Wakeshima.**

Sarah: I said I like strip poker with Carlisle

Do you think it would be fun to go into a book like in Inkspell

Alicia: yeah… vampire academy's cooler tho

S: strip poker is fun w/ the right people;)

A: oh god… sarah, I don't wanna no…. ***shudders***

A: ooh, let's go on chat!!!!!

S: k monkey head, who am I?

A: CRAZEEEEEEEEEE STOREEE!!!

A: Zuraya's CRAZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! **(tee he, Zuraya, if you read this, you know it's true! 's why we're gonna have the bestest science project I the class!)**

Everyone has logged in

Shadow_kiss3dguardian: CRAZEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Spirit_grl: hey, who slipped u the vodka?!?!

Guardiandude: Oh God, Roza, what happened? ***mutters in Russian***

Nearme: **(Sarah just put a bunch of Japanese characters, so I can't really type it out as I TOLD HER!)**

Author_alice_person.: uhh… im not sure I can type that in…

Crazee_author: uh, how do u spell that…?

Author_alice_person.: uh, u don't type it out, uh, y r u complaining?!?!

Nearme: Hi miss Alice

Author_alice_person.: OHAYOOOOOOOOO!!! **(good morning in Japanese, even though by then, it was afternoon)**

Nearme: OMG Mushi Mushi Alice-san

Crazee_author: I h8 my name thnx a lot alice! & y r u crazes talking in Japanese? We're all American, u 2 near!

Nearme: jelouse much

MellowYellow: I will be better than you ***bites chocolate***

Shadow_kiss3dguardian: uh, 4getting about us?!?! Ill remind u, im the guardian-

Spirit_grl: novice

Shadow_kiss3dguardian: w/e the NOVICE who's gnna kick ur ass if u keep ignoring us!

Guardiandude: Roza… language

Spirit_grl: I feel forgotten…

Shadow_kiss3dguardian: ANNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDD MY MOROIIIIIII, PISSYYY LISSY!!!!!!!

Fire_boy: kissy lissy ***kisses lissa***

Spirit_grl: ***doesn't stop kissing***

Shadow_kiss3dguardian: im gnna b sick…

Shadow_kiss3dguardian has logged off

Guardiandude has logged off

Fire_boy: (status) busy

Spirit_grl: (status) busy

Nearme: w nane!!!!

MellowYellow: I feel confused

Author_alice_person. And crazee_author: I think we need 2 end this chappie

Everyone has logged off

Sorry if it sucked, but why don't you review and tell me whether it sucked or not… the nice green button is so pretty….

**Oh, and Megan, did you recognize the one part with Christian and Lissa? Tee he, SPECIAL thanks to you and Pellman, I SOOOOOOO did NOT need to know that!**


	8. Only In Sarah's Dreams!

**Ooh, two chappies in one day! *Bows* you are so very welcome!**

**This chapter's really short, so sorry, but I didn't want to entertain Sarah's fantasies!^_^ So this chappie was written entirely by Sarah!^_^ (except for the end… I couldn't let her have ALL the fun….)**

**Disclaimer: I'm getting tired of this. Richelle Mead STILL won't let me have Christian… Not even Ralph, even though I have no clue WHY anyone would WANT to have him, but to each his own…**

Alice thought she finally won but even the brainwashed sarah didn't like her. Sarah got her memerie and back and killed alice with slime from the kids choice awards

Then Sarah woke up and said, "Damn, it was only a dream" and Sweeney Todd slit her throat.

**Tee he, and Alice loves the ending!**

**Hey, does anyone watch Ghost Whisperer? What did you think about this week? I thought, "What the Hell? That's the season finale?!" I can't believe Zoe died and Melinda might die in childbirth or whatever! Poor Eli… And what the hell was up with Carl? He was from that one episode, right? With all the dead people in the lake? Okay, now forget my rambling and review!**


	9. SORRY! and Grounded

**Reeeeeeally sorry if you thought this was a chapter, but I just wanted to say that I probably won't be able to update again until the 2****nd**** of June. My parents grounded me (computer only, just in case you happen to actually know me outside of fanfiction, you can still call [I think]), so if I update, I'm at school, and I probably only have the time every other day (such as now), first period, depending on if I have homework or not. So keep checking back, but it's highly likely that I will not be posting again until June 2.**

**~Dark Pixie**


	10. Improv and Adrian

**Kay, so I'm FINALLY ungrounded (two weeks is a really long time), so, this is my attempt to update. I really hate Adrian, he's probably going to get hurt by my lack of ideas… Oh, and this is also my attempt at improve writing (writing on the spot) so if it sucks, well… don't say I didn't warn you.**

**Last time Sarah and I started writing a new chapter, the Social Studies teacher caught Sarah (lol, not me though) and yelled at her to pay attention, especially because of the state test, which happened to be the day I got ungrounded. Thus, why we have not updated.**

**And I haven't gotten the chance to update either, because this week's been really hectic for me. (Yesterday a bus crashed into another bus in front of us [my friend was on the bus that got crashed into] and we had to wait for half an hour. High schoolers on my bus were pissed, they wanted to get to the PXY summer jam)**

**Anyway, ignore this waaaaaaaaay too long authors note, and enjoy the chappie!!!**

**Oh, and, as always, don't forget to **_**review**_**!!!!!!!!**

**This chapter is in chat format, I'm too tired to do anything else, too early in the morning…**

**Disclaimer: Richelle Mead's still being stingy; I can't have Christian, so you no suey, I no send wolfers after you, and everyone's happy.^_^**

One day Adrian was walking around St. Vlad's, being a bored perv and stalking Rose, when suddenly…

WOLFERS JUMPED OUT OF NOWHERE!!!

Then Rose realized he had been stalking her and kicked his ass all the way to Volterra, where the Volturi kicked his ass some more.

Then he started screaming about some toaster.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! IT'S HITTING ME!!!! FUCKING TOASTER!!!!! THAT HURTS!!!!!"

So they threw him in the asylum with Vlad and Megan.

Only Megan had escaped (as said before) with the help of her awesome possum bffs.

Then they threw the baka James into the asylum and they all screamed about toasters and what gay fags they all were, while Dakota sat in the hospital asylum, all beaten up by Chris.

Then we all laughed, and Alicia ran out of ideas and had to end her random improv chapter.

**Yeah, I got nothin… review though, and I'll be a happy author!!! I might even update quicker, and won't have to send Jakers after you!!!**

**Oh, and hey, did anybody see the umm, summary thingy for Blood Promise? It looks freaking awesome possum, I can't wait till the excerpt comes out!!!**

**Sorry for so many authors notes, I'm so tired that I'm hyper, and to Jazzy, my awesome bff, (you know who you are) I DON'T DRINK, AND HAVEN'T HAD ANY CAFFINE (yet) TODAY!!!!! SHOULDA SEEN ME LAST NIGHT THOUGH!!!**

**Sorry, I'm just in a really good mood cuz I'm gonna have a baby cousin!!! Yay!!!**

**Kay, so sorry again, and if you bothered to read all that, I'm doubly sorry.**

**~Alice**


	11. Summer! I'm going into high school!

Okay, so sorry if you thought this was an oddly titled chapter, but I just wanted to keep you guys updated and say I'm so sorry! With finals and everything, Sarah and I didn't really get the chance to write, and considering that we did most of our writing in school, now we have to figure out something different. But I swear, I won't be a lazy bum all summer, we WILL update!

**Oh, and next chapter will be starring Kumei, as she reviewed and requested to be in the story. We'll do our best to write you in!**

**Okay, well, while I'm doing this stinking author's note, I might as well thank the awesome people who have been reviewing. (Even the anonymous ones) Thanks to KenziCullen (the first reviewer, yay!), Larken Rye (cool name, plus you're an awesome friend!), hahaa (anonymous reviewer?), tdggothgirl (thanks Jazz, yea, I love our nicknames too, can you tell?), XxCircusContortionMuffinxX (cool name, sorry your name getting added in the story sucked… we probably should have decided on an idea before we even offered it—sorry!), PonyboyMichaelCurtis1983 (tee he, sorry about the whole Pellman thing… well, you probably don't really care that much anymore, do you? You know, cuz he's so **_**holey**_**?), RoseVanVamp16, Ellie weasel (tee he, it's fun being hyper and random, isn't it? And I liked the PANSY! Part too, even though my friend came up with it!), jacobsbabygirl01 (keep your ass on sweetie), musicllv, AllthingsEvil, essence of bliss, xXGoldenEyesXx, musicllv (again) and Hakumei Kiyoko (twice).**

**Anyways, again, we'll try to update as soon as possible, and if Sarah wants to be a bitch about it, I can always ask Jakers… Anyway, everyone who still won't review, REVIEW! I can see my story traffic, and I know more people are reading than are reviewing, so get your asses in gear!**

**~Alice**


	12. Sorry!

I'm so sorry, everyone! I've been so busy, I haven't been able to update! I have a few chapters ready for Two Bored Authors and Vampire Academy on Crack (who's idea was it to make the title so damn long? Oh right, mine. Oops....), I've just been so busy I haven't been able to type them up! I know, my excuses are crappy, but hopefully by this afternoon, they'll be posted, and this message can go away, so hang in there, and again, I'm sooo sorry!

~Onyx (Alice)


	13. The Game

**The Game**

**A/N: Just something I knocked off in Christian Scriptures. Here's a treat for putting up with us for so long! (My teacher probably thinks I'm fascinated with the Declaration of Independence. It actually is pretty interesting… But what does it have to do with the Old Testament?)**

**Oh yeah, so this is a solo chapter. Sadly, Sarah and I don't go to the same school anymore, because our old school decided to close. (RIP Naz) So this is all my own craziness today folks! (don't worry, there's more than enough to go around! ^_^)**

**P.S. I just lost the game… I've been losing it all day! ;D**

**Disclaimer: Look familiar? I guess I don't own it then. It makes me sad too, I know.**

**(**_Notes_**)**

_Fuck._

_What?_

…_I just lost the game_

…_Shit…_

…

_Well crap, now I lost!_

_*grin* lost what?_

_My virginity._

…_Seriously?_

_NO! The game!_

_Say it_

…_I lost the game?_

_Say it_

…

…

_Why…?_

_*shrug* it's the rules_

…_Then you have to say it too_

Alicia grinned over at Lissa. _You have to say it too,_ she mouthed. She lost too, it was only fair.

_What r u gyus talking about?_

Alicia jumped at the paper Sarah shoved in her face

…_I just lost the game_

…_Shit. Tanks *sarcasm*_

_I know, happened to me too_

_So now we have to say it out loud! ^_^_

_Great, I love disturbing class and making people think I'm even weirder than I already am. _Lissa was being sarcastic.

_I know, right? ^_^ _Alicia was serious… Or hyper… No… Just… Alicia?

_Being weird is awsum! 3…2…1… _As Alicia and Lissa looked up from this last note, Sarah counted down with her fingers, then they all said in unison.

"I just lost the game."

**A/N: Anticlimactic, and not very good, I know. But I was trying to (and failing) pay attention to CS incase the teacher called on me… *facepalm***

**Reviews are better than crack and help you not lose the game! -_^**


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